On the Care and Feeding of a Creative Spouse 

By Mandy Houk

Disclaimer: As I made notes for this article, I realized the “care and feeding” of both a creative spouse and a normal(?) spouse has quite a few overlapping requisites. Perhaps that’s because we are all creatives. As Dorothy Sayers wrote, all work should “be thought of as a creative activity undertaken for the love of the work itself.” That being said . . . 

When people meet my NWS (non-writing spouse), they typically describe him as quiet. Y’all, Peter’s not quiet. He’s tired. He has spent the last 31 years mastering the art of loving a writer. He’s walked me through wild bursts of creativity, and through “I quit” tantrums—both of which result in a lot of last-minute pizza deliveries when supper gets forgotten. 

Come to think of it, that’s the first tip.

Tip # 1: Happily eat the pizza.

Here are some other ways Peter has tuckered himself out for love.

Tip # 2: He speaks up (unless I need silence). 

When I’m wallowing in despair, wailing about being a hopeless imposter, he interrupts me. Being a man of few words, he chooses them wisely. He reminds me of who I am—which is who I’ve always been. Often, he quotes my own words back to me. Remember how much you love this story? Remember what you told me about your high school English teacher, and how he believed in you? Remember? Remember? Remember? 

Sometimes, though, no words will suffice, so he stays silent. Still, he comes near. Proximity and patience can dull the sharp edges of doubt.

Tip # 3: He tells the truth (unless I need him to stretch it).

I recently asked Peter for feedback on a scene in my novel. I told him I wanted the truth. When he found the same problematic issue that I’d found, it was life-giving! It saved me from sending an atrocity to my agent and it validated my judgment—maybe I know what I’m doing! 

Hear me out, though. The importance of the explicit request for truth cannot be overstated. It’s worth noting that the feedback I requested was for the last revision of my novel before hitting “send.” If it’s not a crucial stage in the process nor a crucial passage, brushstroke, or lyric, you can err on the side of being nice. 

Tip # 4: He cheers me on (unless I simply must be stopped). 

The world is not nice to creatives, unless their names are Swift or King. The artist’s journey is long, bumpy, and pretty much impossible to travel alone—even Thoreau owned three chairs. So, with Tip #3 (truth-telling) in mind, be generous with encouragement and praise. Sincere, specific enthusiasm is an enormous boost to a flagging creative spirit. 

As for this tip’s last parenthetic “unless,” ignore it. I had a pattern going and needed to finish it out. Maybe Peter should have stopped me. 

The key principle, which you might have surmised: your creative spouse will not need the same “food” from one day to the next. What your spouse most desperately needs is to be seen and to believe—despite evidence to the contrary—that he or she is neither too much for the world, nor not enough. 

It wouldn’t hurt to order pizza.

_________

Mandy Houk’s creativity spills out on pages and stages. She writes literary fiction as an occupation, sketches for fun (read: free therapy), acts in community theater whenever possible, and is a recurring cohost on Anselm’s Believe to See podcast.”

Learn more at www.mandyhouk.com.